Recently, in an attempt to make new friends, I started a group on meetup.com. These groups need to have a centrality about them, a common factor among members. I named my group: Bisexual/Bi-Curious Women of Central NJ, in hopes of meeting ladies around my age who are bisexual or bi-curious. And no, it was not with the intent of meeting ladies for sexual and/or dating purposes. I am a faithful woman married to a man, a dedicated stay at home mother of one, a not-currently-teaching certified teacher, a daughter, a sister, a dreamer … among many other things. I have been attracted to both men and women since the age of about 13-15, when I precociously lost my virginity to both… in case you were wondering.
I have lost many friends/acquaintances over the years, essentially due to deciding I’d rather be with a man for the long term: no longer needing to prowl the bars/clubs in search of a partner, no longer wanting to join in with friends from the LGBTIQA community out of fear of no longer being accepted, refusing to conform to others’ ideas of who they thought I was or wanted me to be, and eventually acquiring a whole new domestic lifestyle.
So… back to ‘my group.’ I was hoping to find some open-minded, mature, intellectual, active women. Just to revamp my social life. If you have a baby, you probably understand. Especially if most, if not all, of your friends are single and baby-less. I figured if I made friends who were bisexual, or at least open-minded, I wouldn’t feel so out of place or misunderstood as I have in the past. I wanted this group to be more of a support group. But no, not where we just sit around and discuss our sexualities… but to get up, get out, and get active; meet on the beach, play football, and discuss our sexuality, among many other things; meet at my house, sit in my back yard, sip some wine, roast some marshmallows over a fire, and discuss our sexuality among many other things; meet at a local bowling alley, get competitive, have fun, and discuss our sexuality among many other things. Get it?
Instead, the first day that my group was up and running, almost everyone who joined fit into the ‘party animal,’ ‘sex obsessed,’ ‘swinger status,’ ‘playmate searching,’ ‘slut’ clichés! The kind of women who use their ‘wanna-be porn star’ photos as their profile picture. The kind of women who were also members of ‘Kinky Women of NYC,’ ‘Group Sex,’ and ‘Big, Sexy Women of Color’ kinds of groups. Yeah, you get the picture. I then changed my settings to only allow membership after my approval. I started getting membership requests from ladies in their 40’s, 50’s and 60’s. I approved them, of course. They seemed mature and genuinely in need of like-minded friends, as was the point of the group. But, with me being in my 20’s, I didn’t feel so comfortable ‘leading’ the kind of group my group was turning into. And so I decided to step down. The group may even be canceled altogether, and that’s okay with me. All of this started and ended within four days. But hey, I’m an impulsive, impatient Sagittarius – what can I say?
Since canceling my group, I’ve been doing a bit of speculating. Yes, there are many ‘bisexuals’ who are sex freaks, who can’t remain loyal and faithful, who might be going through a ‘phase’ for one reason or another, who are actually confused, or who are grossly immature. And those are the kind of bisexuals who give other bisexuals a bad name. A phenomena that is quite common among many groups of people.
I personally know quite a few ladies who are bisexual – truly bisexual – have dated men and women, could settle down with either a man or a woman, can remain faithful to one partner only, and are quite comfortable with themselves. (I, myself, fit into this category.) I also personally know quite a few ladies that label themselves as ‘straight’ but have slept with women, like to make out with women, like to flirt with women, find certain women attractive, etc. (Or have at least dreamt about it.) I also personally know quite a few ladies who label themselves as ‘lesbian’ but have slept with men in the past, sleep with men in the present, and contemplate maybe even settling down with a man in the future. I also personally know quite a few ladies who would label themselves ‘bisexual’ but don’t feel quite so comfortable doing so, due to clichés, rejection, and other means of biphobia. I also personally know quite a few ladies who are interested in threesomes, which is fine, normal, and quite common.
I’ve never felt comfortable with divulging my sexuality in the past, afraid of labels others would throw at me. And now that I have settled down and chosen a man to spend my life with, I feel others will judge me if I don’t plead ‘straight.’ But I refuse to be a victim of biphobia in that regard. If you don’t understand me, oh well. I’m at the point in my life now where I really don’t care what other people think anymore. I will always be irreversibly bisexual. That doesn’t mean that I can’t be faithful to my husband or that I ever have to ‘hook up’ with a female again in my life. Once you’ve come to terms with yourself, your sexual identity doesn’t just disappear or change because of circumstance. Get it?
So, after contemplating segregating myself, getting uber frustrated at the intention of members joining my group, and giving up on yet another endeavor, I have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to make friends with people solely on the commonality of our sexuality. After all, I am an eclectic person. I’ve always desisted labels and detested cliques. Instead of trying to create an oligarchic group of friends around the topic/label/interest of bisexuality I’d rather, instead, continue to reach out to people of all walks of life, and in turn maintain my multi-faceted identity.
© Jamie for Acceptance Revolution, 2012
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